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Author: Eva McKenna

Spell to Cure What Ails You

You just pulled a muscle by being stressed out. You didn’t know that could happen to people. But you were holding your muscles so tight that you strained them, and now your body hurts in weird places. You try to make yourself relax, but you have so many aches and pains you’re worried you might be dying. Another symptom of note is that you’re tired. Dead tired. But that’s probably just because your brain keeps being like, “You’re such a joke,” and it’s exhausting to laugh this much. At work you drink coffee to feign a sort of professional enthusiasm,...

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Spell to Be Successful

Start with a questionable choice, one that could make you lose everything, one that makes people say, “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” while tilting their heads. Shrug. Say, “I’m optimistic.” Google, “Affordable psychic.” Think of something you could eat. Maybe a bagel. Send many panicked texts. Write stream of consciousness literature while hyperventilating. Rip up the pages very carefully. Stay in bed all weekend. Drive in circles, at night, in the rain. Nod when someone tells you, “You shouldn’t do this.” Speak in aphorism, “Leap and the net, y’know.” Save money — except on bad days, order take-out. Order too much take-out. Listen...

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Spell to Not Feel Angry

Dear Eva, My coworker makes a lot more than I do, and I resent her — it’s hurting our friendship. Jobs aren’t forever, thank God, but how do I deal with my aggravation? Sincerely, Feeling Angry *** Spell to Not Feel Angry People keep asking you to do things you don’t want to do. You’re driving down the highway, and the asshole in front of you is tapping his breaks for no reason. You’re really hungry, but every time you go into the office kitchen, someone asks how your weekend was. You say, ‘Fine.’ They say, ‘Just fine?’ You’ve...

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Spell to Be Better at Parties

Dear Eva, I always want to go to parties, but I end up not going, because when I go I just feel awkward. Can you give me a spell that will help me be better at parties? Sincerely, Party On *** Dear Party On, Thank you for your email. Sorry it’s taken me awhile to respond. To be honest, I’ve been feeling pretty down. I keep trying to ignore it, but it’s just not working. It’s like this dead inside feeling but not dead enough to keep me from being terrified all the time. Have you ever been too scared...

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A Christmas Anti-Fable

My three-year-old niece wants a Dora the Explorer shirt for Christmas.   I tell her, “I’m sorry, Josephine. My employer doesn’t feel like paying me over the holidays, so I’ve been laid off for three weeks. Unfortunately, this means I can’t buy you any presents, not even something very small.”   “But Auntie,” she says. “Didn’t you save your money so that you could buy me something special and show me you care through the Capitalist tradition of exchanging consumer goods during the holiday season?”   “Well, Josephine,” I say. “I did save some money, but I still have...

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Spell to Prevent Spontaneous Combustion

Spell to Prevent Spontaneous Combustion Imagine a small hole in the base of your spine. Now imagine it growing bigger. It’s a pinprick; then it’s a quarter; now it’s a half-dollar; now it’s the size of the openings in your energy efficient stacked washer and dryer set. Uh oh, all your organs have started tumbling out. Your spleen hits the floor with a horrible squelch. There is a torrential outpouring of blood. It’s the elevator doors in The Shining. Your mouth is frozen in a misshapen O, like a child’s first time writing the letter. Now imagine it all...

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Spell to Forget Your Body

I keep coming across people who believe they have bodies. “Eva, my body, blah blah, my body,” they say. I try not to laugh, but the idea is just so absurd. “Your body?” I say. “You, having a body? Listen to yourself right now.” I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad. This is a common misconception. Why do you think so many people wear clothes and brush their hair? There’s not even a conspiracy to blame, just plain old denial. Because who wants to admit they’re a floating ball of slime? Nobody, that’s who. Let me tell you how far back...

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Spell to Defeat Netflix

Dear Eva, I’m in love with Netflix and it’s getting really serious. I’m thinking about proposing, but I’m feeling conflicted because my parents don’t approve of our love. They believe, as a human, I should be in love with a fellow human. Although I like this fantasy of being in love with another human, Netflix has always been there for me — providing good laughs, good cries, and random entertainment like “Truly Strange: The Secret Lives of Breasts.” Despite my devotion, I think it’s time for me to move on from Netflix and make an attempt at human connection. Please...

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Spell to Say, “Happy Birthday”

Dear Eva, Sometimes I find out it’s somebody’s birthday, but when I see them, I don’t say happy birthday immediately. Then I feel like I should have said something but didn’t, and now it’s just fucking weird. Or sometimes I find out a day or two later, and it’s like, should I have known? Could I have known? Is it justifiable that I didn’t know, so I should just say something now? Often this will happen in the morning, and this will be my day, just trying to navigate this. Sincerely, Birth Dazed and Confused  *** Dear Birth Dazed and Confused,...

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Spell to Stop Yawning

Most people don’t realize that yawning is caused by a bile secreted in your lulma cortex located within the hemoglobin sphere of your cerebral zone. If you want to stop yawning, all you have to do is soak two large cottonballs in my famous tincture and stuff one into each nostril. To make the tincture, mix the following ingredients together in a large black pot filled with dry ice: 1 cup Burnt Money 3 teaspoons Quit Your Job 8 pints Become a Bird *** Magical spells are a great resource for many everyday problems. Get in touch & I’ll...

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Spell to Raise the Dead

So, you might be dead. You’re not 100% sure but it seems pretty likely. It wasn’t one of those things that just happened overnight. At first you thought your friends were just ignoring your text messages. But then you tried to take a selfie and every angle was your empty bathroom. Now your hands have gone transparent but like, whatever, lots of people have transparent hands, right? You start spending a lot of time in a creepy forest. There you meet a hooded figure who tells you to eat more McDonald’s. “Basically eat as much as you can,” he...

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