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Advice from Space: On Socks

Advice from Space: On Socks

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Dear Advice from Space,

My socks keep getting holes in the heel. Not both feet, just the right foot. I’m not sure why, but it happens. My problem is that once you wear your sock on the left foot, it’s fit for the left foot. Putting a left foot sock on the right foot is just plain maddening. I’ve gone as far as putting my socks on wet in hopes of reforming the curvature. No dice. Are there any tricks to keeping warm feet up there?

Cold Feet


Your socks, Cold Feet, your socks. They are trying to tell you something, about the nature of feet, and life, and physics, and the breakdown of fibers.

Let us agree that imperfections are beautiful. They are also useful, for helping us identify the fakery that masquerades as realness. Example: My sleep was interrupted, as it always is, at three o’clock in the morning (Dallas time). As always, I woke to the cries of the ghost cat that haunts my spacecraft. It used to cry at four o’clock in the morning, but it hasn’t adjusted since Daylight Saving Time ended and so the last few weeks have been a trial. Regardless of that, my ghost cat’s pre-dawn cries are perfectly reliable, and for that reason I know for certain that it is not real.

Like all humans, you have an unevenness. Some people pretend that they are perfectly symmetrical and perfectly behaved in all ways. I’m not one to judge, but those people are terribly and completely wrong. Without weaknesses, how can you have strengths? Every aspect of your mind and personality and physicality would be of the same caliber, and it would be impossible to tell what caliber that was.

Cold Feet, in the future your socks will be artifacts. Biographers will examine them for insight into your work. They will note how the right heel has a hole while the left heel has been spared. They will note how your right side shielded your left from walking’s cruel and far-reaching impact. They will recognize you as a person of great compassion. You will receive many posthumous awards.

Of course, this is unlikely to help you with your problem. You live in the now, and now your feet are cold and now you are unhappy. I assure you, Space is also cold. My feet also suffer. As much as I look forward to my own posthumous awards, it’s important to live life while it’s happening and address problems as they arise. And so, inspired by your own compassionate nature, I will share with you my own Space-tested remedy: use your feet like hands. Rub your feet together. Put them in your pockets. Put them in your armpits. Send a text message with them. Write a poem with them. Use them to fix your faulty wiring. Use them to fix a can of soup. Use them to drink a big mug of hot chocolate. Run them through your hair. Hold them to the face of someone you love.

Advice from Space

In need of advice best answered from Space? Submit your question here.

Jeannie Hoag
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About The Author

Jeannie Hoag

Jeannie Hoag is a writer who lives in New York/space.

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Good hair, crooked gait

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