Eat | Read with Guy Fieri
What I’ve been eating:
A selection from the week:
SATURDAY: Saturdays are for pancakes. Had mine topped with two pork chops, tater tots, pimiento cheese, four slices of deli ham, & then another pork chop on top. At my house we melt a stick of butter into a bowl of syrup—we call it the Dunkbowl™—so we can dip every bite. Flavor madness. There’s breakfast and then there’s wreckfast, you dig?
SUNDAY: Slept late, ate 3-Burger Casserole. The casserole part is my mouth with three burgers shoved into it. You heard of a protein bar? Keep it, brother. This is a Protein Obelisk.
MONDAY: Hit the gym, came back and refueled with what I like to call the Can-Can—one can Vienna sausage, one can sweetened condensed milk, chugged back to back.
TUESDAY: Pork tacos topped with porksauce, garlic mayo, green onions, and sweetened condensed milk. I do a homemade shell made of Fritos, Doritos, and Tostitos—the Holy -Ito Trinity—ground up, mixed into a batter, and baked inside these taco molds shaped like my hair that I got as a gift from Kid Rock. Hey Bill Gates: call me up, cuz these tacos stole all your money.
WEDNESDAY: Went to the hospital to give blood. And by “hospital,” I mean “bar,” and by “give blood,” I mean “eat bacon and drink margs” with Man Pebble. That’s my nickname for Kid. We had a noogie contest.
THURSDAY: Thursday is my two-croakies day. I rock one in the back and one in the front. Shot an ep of Triple D—we called it Fusion Confusion—so I ate a pepperoni pizza-stuffed stromboli on a bed of chow mein bbq. Holler at a baller.
FRIDAY: Flavortown Friday starts in the following way, every week, without fail. Here’s how you get it done: punch open a box of Cap’n Crunch. Pour in a can of sweetened condensed milk. Stick your immersion blender in there and blitz it up. Eat it off a meat cleaver while watching a few eps of Grocery Games until you get hungry again, then figure out the rest of the day based on that.
I woke up like this
What I’ve been reading:
1. The Wikipedia page on Karl Ove Knausgård and the one on My Struggle. Dude seems legit. Mad respect to him for doing it his way. I’m working on my own memoir so I like to size up the competish. I already know mine will have 21 volumes and use size 18 Zapf Chancery. Tentative title: From Man’s Man to Guy’s Guy: Guy on Guy.
2. Proofs for the paperback edition of Guy on Fire, which is going to have a whole extra section on grilling on the actual grill of your car.
3. Makeup to Breakup: My Life In and Out of Kiss by Peter Criss. Did you know this man had breast cancer? I do self-exams now all the time, and I make my Krew do the same. Cancer is exactly the opposite of what I mean when I say “off the hook.”
4. Sandra Boynton’s Are You a Cow?, which is maybe my favorite kid book of all time. Hell maybe even my favorite book, period. I’m getting a personalized one because how freaking cool is that? “You must be a GUY FIERI! Now isn’t that great!” Uh, yeah, you bet your beef it is.
sausages: the books you can eat
Kristen Iskandrian is the food editor of Real Pants. Her work has been published in Tin House, Denver Quarterly, PANK, The O. Henry Prize Stories 2014, and many other places. She lives in Birmingham, Alabama.
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