Movie Reviews with Karl: New Liam Neeson Home Sweet Hell
Karl Taro Greenfeld reviews movies without seeing them. He watches trailers, or parts of the trailers. (If the movie is a sequel, he has not seen any earlier films in the series. He basically doesn’t watch any movies. Any plot similarities between his reviews and the actual movies are coincidental.)
New Liam Neeson Movie
Starring Liam Neeson, Ed Harris, one of the guys from Right Said Fred
Liam Neeson and Ed Harris both grew up in pre-gentrification Hell’s Kitchen, and put in stints in the Irish Mafia. Liam Neeson was the Irish Mafia’s Rookie of the Year in 1982, but he forsook a career in the Irish Mafia to go straight, while Ed Harris, nowhere near as promising a mobster, stayed, and rose to the rank of player coach and general manager of the Irish Mafia—sort of like the role Bill Russell played on the Boston Celtics his last season. Liam Neeson has led a virtuous life marred only by his sundered relationship with his son, one of the guys from Right Said Fred. (Oh, you cruel gods, to give a man everything but the love of his only Danny boy![That’s his son’s actual name in the movie.])
One night, Ed Harris’ son is out running errands for the Irish Mafia—beating up old men for their dentures—when the Right Said Fred guy (Liam Neeson’s son) intercedes on behalf of an old toothless man. “Leave him be,” says Right Said Fred, “He’s a wee sean-fhear wi nae a chomper in his pate.”
Ed Harris’ son pulls his pistol and orders him to, “Stand down ye laggy maol bael.”
“Nae,” says Right Said Fred, “I’ll glac ye to ifream wi mae.”
Liam Neeson, missing his son fiercely, turns up as Ed Harris’ son is about to shoot Right Said Fred, and saves his son, putting a bullet into his old rival’s boy.
Liam Neeson knows that according to Old Testament Irish Mafia rules, his own son now has to die, but he goes to see Ed Harris to have a sit-down with him, where instead of just killing him, Ed Harris tells him, “I’m coming after you with everything I’ve got.” Presumably, he means after their meeting in the pub is completed, then he’ll go after him.
Liam Neeson finds Right Said Fred, and explains that according to Irish Mafia tradition, Right Said Fred’s entire family, everyone he’s ever met, and everyone those people have ever met, and their families, all must die. Their only hope is if Liam Neeson can find and kill Ed Harris before Ed Harris can find and kill these many hundreds of people. For one long night, we are transported back in time to pre-gentrification Hell’s Kitchen, where Ed Harris and Liam Neeson and some professional assasins hired by Ed Harris chase each other through railyards, freight depots, an old distillery, a barrel making factory, a clipper ship and an abandoned vaudeville theater, until Liam Neeson finally kills Ed Harris, and through this murder, rebuilds a warm and nurturing relationship with his only son.
The New Liam Neeson Movie is an important film in that it reminds us of what Manhattan would be like if it hadn’t been gentrified.
Home Sweet Hell
Starring Katherine Heigl, Jordana Brewster, Patrick Wilson and Jim Belushi
Every time I tried to watch the trailer for this movie, an Applebee’s commercial came on and would play to completion, but then the movie trailer would not play. Instead there would just be a frozen image of Patrick Wilson’s face. So I watched a half-dozen Applebee’s ads instead of seeing the trailer. Applebee’s has a whole new appetizer concept they are rolling out in two commercials, one of which prominently features Nachos. “What’s better than nachos and beer?” the ad asks, as a waitress who looks like Lea Michelle maneuvers a sizzling platter of what we presume will be better than nachos and beer through a crowd of happy hour revelers who don’t realize how badly they have fucked up their lives to be spending happy hour at an Applebees.
The answer: “Nachos, brisket and beer.”
Applebee’s has rolled out an entirely new advertising campaign to celebrate their pouring some liquefied shredded beef on top of corn chips and cheese. And this giddy crowd of multi-racial, pierced, millennials see this platter of microwaved crap and their eyes widen, their skin flushes and they start panting and one of the women faints and all of the guys ejaculate, because they are so happy about this plate of nachos with brisket!
The other Applebee’s spot features shrimp, that is “hot and spicy” so it’s a “Good thing our beer is ice cold!” Which made me wonder about a restaurant that is reduced to advertising the fact that is has refrigeration, which I am pretty sure is legally mandated by the Department of Health. They may as well feature in their campaign the fact that, “our French fries are filling” so it’s a “Good thing we have toilets!”
Both commercials are celebrating the new menu of appetizers for under $5.
Applebee’s is an important restaurant—and different from fast food outlets—in that you can drink beer with your cheap food.