Spell to Raise the Dead

So, you might be dead. You’re not 100% sure but it seems pretty likely. It wasn’t one of those things that just happened overnight. At first you thought your friends were just ignoring your text messages. But then you tried to take a selfie and every angle was your empty bathroom. Now your hands have gone transparent but like, whatever, lots of people have transparent hands, right?

You start spending a lot of time in a creepy forest. There you meet a hooded figure who tells you to eat more McDonald’s. “Basically eat as much as you can,” he says. “The preservatives will make you live forever.” Once you saw a hamburger on Good Morning America that was like, two years old, so this makes sense to you. You shake the figure’s gnarled corpse-hand and walk to the McDonald’s drive-thru. It’s worth noting that in death you have impeccable posture. You walk very erectly to the drive-thru window. They say, “You need a car to go through here.” But you just turn your head around 360° and they’re like, “Ahhhh have as many fries as you want!!!”

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