Spell to Defeat Netflix

Dear Eva,

I’m in love with Netflix and it’s getting really serious. I’m thinking about proposing, but I’m feeling conflicted because my parents don’t approve of our love. They believe, as a human, I should be in love with a fellow human. Although I like this fantasy of being in love with another human, Netflix has always been there for me — providing good laughs, good cries, and random entertainment like “Truly Strange: The Secret Lives of Breasts.”

Despite my devotion, I think it’s time for me to move on from Netflix and make an attempt at human connection. Please help me break the spell that Netflix has over me.

With Gratitude,
Forbidden Love

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Dear Forbidden Love,

Many people don’t know that Netflix is the modern day incarnation of the ancient monster known as Medusa. After she was beheaded by Perseus, she was denied entry to the underworld, as she was enormously unpopular. Robbed of her body, she was frightened and hid herself in the depths of a remote cave, near the Aegean Sea. She remained there for many years, until summoned by the creators of the popular internet streaming service Netflix, who were able to harness her power to turn onlookers to stone. Unfortunately, you, like so many others, have fallen victim to this deadly curse. Here is a spell to help you break free:

First, never look the beast in the eye. Sit with your back to your computer, and hold a mirror up so that you may see. Type www.netflix.com into your web browser. The beast will try to entice you with suggested programming. Her snake heads will flick their tongues at you, hypnotically bobbing and swaying: Hoarders, Worst Cooks in America, Master of None. You must be brave now. Take a sword of pure silver. If you don’t have silver, gold will do. Steel yourself. Study her movements in the mirror. Summon your strength, the most you have ever needed in this life, and probably ever will. Then, when the moment’s right, drive the sword through the beast’s heart. Turn around very carefully. If there is even a flicker of light, strike again. When you are done, take the corpse and toss it out your window.

Rest assured, you are safe now.

*Warning: This will break your computer.

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Magical spells are a great resource for many everyday problems. Get in touch & I’ll cook something up for you.