I’m a very experienced stock market analyst. Just the other day, I was eating free croutons at the salad bar inside my local Wal-Mart (WMT:$86.79).
Even though gasoline prices are down, almost every unpublished author in America is extremely poor and depressed.
Did you see that tweet (TWTR: $35.75) about the guy eating grapes who got so depressed he took a picture of the grape stems when he was done with all the grapes?
Even though I’m an unpublished author, I am almost rich enough to be happy.
It took me a long time to figure this out, but the stock market isn’t like scrabble. In fact, even if you do a double word bonus on your scrabble board your financial portfolio will not get any of those points.
Most published authors probably don’t need any financial advice because they already have six million free croutons in their bank account.
Technically, I’ve made zero dollars from my investments.
In fact, since I began investing three weeks ago, my portfolio is down nine dollars and two cents.
The first thing you need to know about buying stocks is that you’re not in high school anymore … unless you’re young enough to still be in high school. In that case, congratulations, you haven’t done anything with your life yet.
One really interesting thing to remember about stock prices is that a stock price is also an approximation of how many people own that stock. For example, the stock price for krispy kreme donuts (KKD) is $19.83 which means about 19.83 people own KKD stock. This is the reason why google (GOOGL) stock is so expensive. About 534.23 people own GOOGL stock.
If I was a severely depressed unpublished author, I would probably steal my dad’s bank account information and invest all his money in Wendy’s/Arby’s stock (WEN: $9.16) then I would stand outside every Burger King (BKW: $35.80) in America and handout directions to the nearest Wendy’s/Arby’s store.
High school was a weird time for all unpublished authors, but you can make up for all that weirdness if you just invest enough money in the stock market.
The people who own stock in Caterpillar (CAT: $92.70) don’t even have to like caterpillars or cats. All they have to do is pay the insect queen.
I’m still not quite sure what happens to everyone’s money while it’s invested, but I have a feeling it all gets put in a special cloud. That’s why acid rain used to turn my mom’s hair green when she showered. Luckily, wall street fixed their clouds and they’re no longer lined with copper.
One special perk of owning Starbucks stock (SBUX) is you can go to any Starbucks location and buy coffee at no extra charge. You literally pay the exact same amount as anyone else who doesn’t own Starbucks stock.
To get rich in the stock market you just have to figure out what company is going to win the best.
I bet all the companies in the world have secret laboratories.
And probably, right now, most of those secret laboratories are trying to figure out how to invent a technique of harvesting poop and then converting it into food that can be resold to everyone.
Sort of like Ebay (EBAY: $57.21).
But if I were going to put my money on anyone successfully achieving a marketable poop to mouth service, the easy choice would be Yum! Brands (YUM: $73.32) and its warehouse of taco bell, kfc, and pizza hut. Unfortunately, it’s not really an affordable investment strategy for unpublished authors which is weird because whenever I go into a taco bell or kfc its always filled with nothing but unpublished authors.
Also worth noting, whether or not you are still in high school, the stock market doesn’t care. All it cares about is turning two chicken nuggets into three chicken nuggets.
If it were up to me I would let Sprint (S: $4.10) win the best because their stock is really cheap. We should all buy a share of Sprint then if it wins we each get a million dollars.
The really sad thing is there once was a perfect stock for unpublished authors.
But then it got bought out by another company who was then also bought out.
The name of this perfect investment opportunity for unpublished authors was Novell (NOVL).
Novell was bought out in November 2010 by Attachmate at $5.85 a share.
NOVL stock no longer exists which I guess is sort of fitting because every novel by every unpublished author probably won’t exist in a few years either.