Top 10 Moments of Mother_Ocean.mp4

Mother Ocean is an exceptional piece of content. Mother Ocean is a four and a half minute news clip about a mysterious, possibly basketball headed sea monster that gave Rhode Island beachgoers the creeps for upwards of 90 seconds. I love this video. I have watched this video 74 times. If there were an Oscars for YouTube videos–I would nominate this video every year on principle. And if allowed to vote on the Spirit Awards, I would nominate Mother Ocean in every category every year.

Anyway, here’s a brief catalog of this clip’s greatness. The post is titled top ten, but it already feels like it could be top umpteen.

 

:04 This has been a summer of frightening animals…

Mother Ocean is from 2007. I am going to guess that the only time “a summer of frightening animals” has been used as a phrase since 2007 has been on the Ancient Aliens subreddit. Also credit to Karen Adams for lending her authority and integrity for the intro. Adams’ credibility is the only thing separating this Eyewitness News Exclusive piece from a third-shift kitchen talk at an Outback Steakhouse.

 

:34 Imagine swimming mindlessly in the late afternoon sun when all of a sudden, out of nowhere a huge horrifying creature roughly 15 feet long rocks your world

Sean, I can do more than imagine it. Thanks to your three minutes of hair, hard cuts, and questions as sharp as hot pokers-every year feels like they are swimming mindlessly.

Side Theory 1: Sean Daly names every EYEWITNESS NEWS EXCLUSIVE after a Jimmy Buffet song and then bends the journalism to match a Margaritaville vibe.

Side Theory 2: Sean Daly’s hair is the most important character in Mother Ocean. It goes through a whole self-discovery arc. It learns a lot about itself, the power of its own voice, and of course the danger and thrill of oceanside humidity as well.

:53-She went to a counselor to talk to a counselor…

Lost in the shuffle of the whole “cigarettes are bad, cigarettes are people killers, cigarettes are economic vampires” epiphany of the last forty years is the smoking-while-holding-a-lighter motif.

 

1:13-I turned around and I heard a hissing, a hissing sound so I stopped, I looked beside me and this big face came up with these big teeth and I just remember the face being shaped like a basketball.

We all remember the first time we saw a face shaped like a basketball.

1:54 It was swimming around me it rubbed up against my leg so I stopped and pretended like I wasn’t moving.

Aside: there were three summers during the Clinton Administration where me and my sisters were deposited at the public pool. We stared at the pool–just like this young onlooker–debating the merits of chlorinated water against our fear of Big Hal’s splash gang. Big Hal was 35 and he ruled the public pool with the support of a legion of ten to fifteen splash masters.

 

2:14 It’s gonna get her-I grabbed her by the ass or rear end and I grabbed her like that and I whipped her over my head.

Nothing to see here folks–just an adult human man describing the best way to throw another adult human over your shoulder when fleeing your basic basketball head sea monster.

2:45-It’s like a basketball, it’s like this big and it’s got these fangs like my fingers…

Take note, it’s our old friend-Sean Daly’s hair. It’s back and it appears to be more robust and seamless than ever.

3:18 The group thinks the creature was attracted to blood from a nasty injury.

There it is, the people’s champion, Sean Daly’s hair. Daly’s hair has moved briskly in the breeze, parting itself and revealing itself willing to do whatever it takes to make its keeper look like a hardened journalist.

3:28 Joey, how much blood was that? I bled for an hour and a half.

I’m calling bullshit on Joey. If Rescue 911 taught me anything it was that if you bleed for ninety minutes, and if you want to survive, you are going to either need a flight in the chopper or a William Shatner voiceover. Sometimes both.

 

4:22 Still a mystery what the creature was. The best guess comes from a marine expert we checked with. They figure it may have been some tropical fish that migrated here with a warm gulf current-mother, mother ocean.

First of all there’s no way Sean Daly checked with a marine expert. The honesty of his hair betrays the fact. Secondly and lastly, don’t care if he didn’t because Daly closes with the best line in the history of Eyewitness News Exclusives.